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[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Nose
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.