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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
new shirt idea
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.