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The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else