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Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.