Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

I’ve been lied to my entire life

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.