Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

emergency phone

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist