Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.