78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
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Stop it! 😂
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Proctology is located in A55
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Finally
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.