Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did