[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????