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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
sin harder.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another