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Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
reminder
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.