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The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!