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My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Breaking news:
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*