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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I might give this a try 😏
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.