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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?