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When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.