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I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.