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Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.