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People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken