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bat life
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
iPhone X
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
set yourself free xox
