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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I really had high hopes for this year though
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Namaste
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.