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Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.