You Might Also Like
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
