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Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
two people or more is called a problem
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*limbos away from your hug*
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.