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Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.