You Might Also Like
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I hate when that happens.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.