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guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
thinking about this
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.