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I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
so, is there a mister shapen head
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
The internet is full of many things
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”