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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Always the camel, never the toe.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”