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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.