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Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.