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[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.