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Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.