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Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.