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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
PLEASE READ
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Born to be mild.