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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I put the h in mysterious.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
looks legit
