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facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I think I’m having a stroke
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*