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SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.