You Might Also Like
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
We have a winner.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot