You Might Also Like
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me