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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Not today. 😅
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.