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Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror