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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft