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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children