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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”