7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
