7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
