7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
