7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I get distracted pretty eas
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Watermelon Boss!
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Easy enough.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
😏😏😏
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
some cats are just doing for fun!
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
