Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.