7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
You Might Also Like
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.