7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
wtf
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
bro what is going on at twitter
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
A game married people play.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman