7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?