7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?