@TheAlexNevil

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

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@Brianhopecomedy

Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.

@RogerQuimbly

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

@Mr_Kapowski

[fancy restaurant]

Wife: How was the bathroom?

Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall

@carlyken

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

@Darlainky

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

@MikeMcNeil_

wife: “HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?”

me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.

@richardosman

My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.

@Mostly_Cheese

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.