Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
You Might Also Like
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Wife: How was the bathroom?
Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall
Ma’am, step through again
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
wife: “HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?”
me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.
My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.