7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Friends that check up on you >
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.