@TheAlexNevil

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

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@xLiserx

Rambo: First Blood (1982)- After the onset of his first period, Rambo struggles with the emotional roller coaster of becoming a woman.

@batkaren

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

@JH_Moncrieff

“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”

Yes. Yes, you do.

@Browtweaten

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

@LizHackett

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

@ThatBrenna

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

@joe_binkley

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

@zebrasyndicate

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?