ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
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I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.