Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Start the year as you intend to continue.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay