7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I went from rags to one rag.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Look at this
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me