7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
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People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
*checks Timeline*…
Not all heroes wear capes…
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
New menu item
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.