7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.