7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
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Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Wise advice
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Someone just threatened to call me later
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
BaD BoY!!
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”