7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
what the
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
*pronounces UPS like yoops
necessity is the mother of invention
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Beware of fowl play.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.