7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
You Might Also Like
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*