7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
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FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.