Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

A double negative is a big no-no.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.