Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.