Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

scared to check what name she chose

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

Mission: Impossible

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media